Hardening My Heart

Once again my love life or lack of love life is coming to an end. I hate to say a guy I have been talking to for over a month is not who I thought he was. If he is real I'm sorry for not trusting him. Though he has given me not reason to trust him. It brakes my heart. Yet I have harden my heart again and have given up on this guy.

Reasons I have decided he is not a real person who has real feelings for me.

1. Would not call me on the phone.
2. Would not chat with a webcam.
3. Would not send pictures of himself.
4. Wanted to give me money.
5. Was hired to go out of the United States two days before we where to meet.
6. Was only to be gone for two weeks.
7. Got in a jam with the natives and the people who hired him would not bail him out.
8. Been stuck there for weeks.
9. Wanted me to send him money to get out of a jam.
10. Now wants me to accept money from Western Union and then send it to him because some how the other person could not send it to him. Thus he asked for my name and address.
11. I told him I would not send it and he is asking me if I'm saying good bye.
12. He can not prove to me that he is real so yes I am saying good bye.

No I am not falling for a scam. No he does not have my address. Yes he had my phone number, but seeing he never called I don't think he ever will. I am more pissed off then sad about this. I had thought I found a nice guy and I had found a scammer. Maybe sometime soon I can find someone ment for me. I'm sick of this game consisting of losers, scammers, and ass holes.

How I Beat Depression Today

"relax" by eenah

Someone had ordered me a side order of depression around 7am yesterday. It stuck with me all day. It nagged me all day. It told me life was not worth living. Horrible thoughts popped into my head. Thoughts I try hard to push out of it. It's hard to push those thoughts about life not worth living out of your head. It scares me honestly. A lot of the time I feel alone and all I have is my friends on the internet, my animals, and my artwork.

So I had waken up at 7am after sleeping. I felt depressed to the state I could not get back to sleep. Horrible thoughts nagged me. I decided to go get some breakfast. I then returned to my room and put on some movies I normally fall asleep to.

I finished eating my food and laid back down to go to sleep. I could not get my mind to settle. I then switched my movies off and turned on a wonderful relation track that I use at times and place on repeat. Here it is if you wish to listen.

This did it. I feel back to sleep thank God. I then slept for quite a while and woke up later in the day. I did not do much during the beginning of the day. I slept quite a bit. I wanted this day to just be over. But when I did get up I felt worse. I had to get out of the house and get my mind distracted. It was hard. I took some items of mine and sold them so I could get at least $6 up to go watch a movie. 

And I did. I decided to go see "The Descendants" which I liked for the most part. It had me tear up a bit in thought of my father and how I knew what the girls where going through with their mother dying. Well after the two some hours of watching it I felt better and came home. 

So here I am sitting writing this feeling good, but wishing I could now sleep. It's 4:23am and I'm wide awake. Whats a girl to do with these moods that switch back and forth? Well for now I will work on what I need to. I just figured I would share how I got through my depression for today. Though it will very every day when I am depressed. I might end up sleeping 24 hours. But for now I am fine.

"pier" by eenah

Life

I have been struggling with much this month. I have come to the conclusion about my relationship I was in was not real at all. I have given up and will be moving on as a single woman once again. The guy was not real and was just to good to be true. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever find true love or love at all. I long to be held and loved by someone who can make me whole.

I had thought this year was off to a good start, but things have just gotten worse emotionally for me. I am working to make myself better, yet when this awful thing called depression gets you down it's so hard to get back up. Yes I suffer from depression as well as other things. Yet some people still wonder why.

Those people who wonder why will never completely understand. Some days I feel like I can't go on. So I struggle through the day, as long as it might turn out to be. Yes this might seem to be a pity party, but it's just how my life is at the moment. Don't judge me for these things. Just trust me that for me it's a chore living day to day.

I don't know why I have this depression or why it comes on me without warning. You might say "get over it", "there's nothing wrong with you", or just plain "stop it". But for those who suffer from it these sayings just don't work. There is something hindering me from my past as well as fear for my future. Screw the end of the world theory for 2012. I need to be thinking about surviving today and the days after. I just ask that any friends or family I have be there for me and don't judge me for things I don't do or have done wrong. I am working to move forward and any discouragement hinders me from moving forward.

Maybe a while later I will go into detail how I feel and why I feel this way. But for now I'm going to try to rest and recover my mind some more.

Black Out Was Today

As some people know the black out was today opposing the bills SOPA and PIPA. Google them to find out more about them. In other news I have lost 3lbs. I think I am eating less finally. So I hope to start losing more as time goes on. That's most of the news I have for now. Not much sadly to report.

Oh Boy Here I Go

Well going to see about getting a short story book out at some point. I feel like working on them right now and maybe I'll get it done at some point. That's mainly it. not much went on today for me. Was not feeling good and still feel sick. I'll kick this though some how. For now on to work.

Sweets Are Evil

Yes I love my sweets. Mainly bake goods. It is my downfall. Not cool at all. I hope to be able to brake the sweet cravings soon. On the other hand I cleaned last night and it's getting there. I'm planing on finishing cleaning my room tonight. Don't know for sure about moving the room around yet though.

If I do I must have my room picked up and swept before moving it around. So I have yet to weigh myself again. I might have gained or maybe lost 1lb. Who knows.

I have been moving around more though. And almost to the point to where I get out and go for a walk. But I am unsure when that will start.

Well those are all the updates for today. I am slowly but surely improving myself.

So Here It Goes

I'm working on many things this year. First off I want to lose weight and get down to my last healthy weight of 225lbs. I'm also working on improving my life period.

So far before 2011 ended I had gotten sick with pneumonia and was in the hospital and I am still trying to recover from being sick. I feel a lot better that is the main thing. But on to the better things.

As 2011 was ending things where looking up. I have met a guy and he is very nice. We plan to meet next weekend. I hope everything works out.

Also I have recently been getting artwork commissions which is a great thing. It adds some money to my pocket.

So this is just a introduction post.

So starting weight for 2012 is 392. I hope to change my life around in just 365 days!